Yelp Gold

Gabby M. A very angry person (gender unknown due to their conflicting name and profile picture).

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

Oh you flaggers wanna play huh? Calling this place Shitaly wasn’t descriptive enough? Okay, let me elaborate for you:

S catterbrained design and crowds make for inefficient shopping
H ave a floorplan* on hand or you will get shoved by grumpy old ladies if you’re lost
I s that really dried crust in my fork?
T oo crowded, even for the market on a Tuesday night
A dvice: don’t come here hungry unless you are ready to wait
L ittle portions for a big pricetag
Y es, I’ll stick to Grand Central Market

*Here, because I’m so nice you assholes http://www.nypost.com/rw…

Is this sufficient enough of a review?!?!?!?! I’ll come back for a 4th time in a few months and update this fucking review. Have a nice fucking day.

Categories: Italian, Pizza

Dave P – Appreciates a poo with a view.

Rating: ★★★★★

Literally the best crap I’ve ever taken in my life. It’s just you floating above the glimmering city.

Cocktails are great too.

Categories: Lounges, Dance Clubs

848 Washington St
(between 13th St & Little W 12th St)
New York, NY 10014
Neighborhoods: West Village, Meatpacking District
(212) 645-4646
http://www.standardhotels.com

Peter D. Dumpling vs. Girlfriend

Rating: ★★★★★

Pop Quiz.

Q: What is the #1 cheapest, most satisfying thing to be enjoyed in NYC?
A: Your girlfriend.*

Q: What is #2?
A: Prosperity Dumplings.

$1 = 5 dumplings. God I love dumplings. God I love NYC.
_________

*Oh, relax, I was just kidding. She’s definitely not better than the dumplings.

Category: Chinese

Brian S. Probably has a 1990s flip phone.

Rating: ★★★★★

There is nothing I could say about this fantastic place that hasn’t already been said, so instead I will review the people who were using their mobile phones.

Presumably this is a special occasion place. You come here to propose. You come here to celebrate. You come here because on the X-thousandth occasion of your wife mentioning how much she’d like to go there you finally get the hint. So, you sell 30 shares of Exxon and make reservations two months in advance.

This place is a complete experience from the moment you’re greeted until the moment you receive the bill and stagger out in a state of shock. The service is unparalleled and the food is exquisite.

So you would think you might – just once – put the phone away.

Our starter was someone who I kept calling Ralph Fiennes because he looked a lot like Ralph Fiennes. He was on his mobile phone for more than half his meal. He had an attractive exterior but I felt his soul was a bit lacking and his manners were too salty. He had the wherewithal to keep his conversation quiet, as if muttering to a mistress, but that doesn’t change the fact that rather than experiencing Per Se he was working on growing a brain tumor. I hope when they returned home his companion denied him sex before setting him on fire.

For an entrée we enjoyed the couple pre-occupied with texting. Perhaps they’d asked the baby-sitter to deliver a play-by-play on Twitter. Barely a word was muttered between them. Ultimately I found they lacked substance and left a bitter aftertaste.

For dessert there was the guy who doesn’t know how to turn his ringer off. He was uninspired and pedestrian.

I would definitely come here again, preferably when the stock market bounces back and manner-deficient humanity is wiped out by a megavirus.

Category: French

Farzan K. Paid out the arse for a burrito.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

Instead of dollars, Chipotle’s menu should tell you the price you’ll pay in the bathroom.

Category: Mexican

1629 Connecticut Ave NW
Washington, DC 20009
(202) 387-8261

Krista C. Ironic that she discusses hair removal in the nether regions and has a profile picture of a little fluffy dog.

Rating: ★★★★★

There are three things I look for in a good waxing place for my most delicate parts:

1). Clean.  The last thing anyone wants is an infection in the hoo-hoo area.  So they must enforce a strict policy of no double dipping, use new strips every time and disinfectant spray everything!
2). Quick.  The faster they pull those cloth strips, the less pain you feel.  Also, the quicker you are able to get your clothes back on, the better.  I  once went to a spa/salon that took 1 hour to finish the job.  Yes, it was quite chilly and painful.  No, I do not have that much hair–you were probably wondering.  It’s like.. Jeebus, you’re not taking out my appendix just cleanin’ my shrub!
3). Thorough.  Stray and ingrown hairs end up making the whole thing look like an abused chia pet.  It would sort of defeat the purpose of waxing in the first place if it were to amass roars of laughter from anyone who happened to see it.

Shobha satisfied all three of these components; that’s all I need.  Some people yelp that they require their waxing person to possess stellar people skills.  To be honest, I don’t need someone to smile at me while they are giving me a brazilian wax. It would creep me out a lot if she smiled the entire time I lay there nude from the waist down under a large fluorescent light.  Is it because she likes what she sees?  Or do my cavernous stretch marks amuse her?  How about you try to keep an upbeat disposition after tearing ass and crotch hair out by the roots all day.  Having said that, the waxing technicians are still personable enough.  So much so that you almost forget you’re laying on your back while holding your legs in the air by your ankles as she prods hot wax in areas you didn’t even know contained nerve endings.

Rachel A. Gay enough for the Big Gay Ice Cream Shop

Rating: ★★★★★

There is one question you need to ask yourself every time you go to the Big Gay Ice Cream Shop. Are you gay enough?

As if the giant unicorn mural on the wall wasn’t enough to get you prancing, you have to channel your inner Rainbow Brite to really feel it.

I walked in overwhelmed. How do you order? What is everything? What does this ice cream look like? Is what I am ordering gay enough?

I’m a late bloomer to the Big Gay Ice Cream world. I was also surprised to find that the BGICS used to be the juice/smoothie shop Xoom. Well whatever, places close in NYC every day. And I love what the Gays did to the place. *throws fairy dust in the air* It’s fabulous!

I thought about what I would like on my ice cream cone. Crushed Nilla wafers. Chocolate. My inner anxieties took over. Was that gay enough? It just didn’t sound gay enough.

So I went with the Salty Pimp, one of the signature items of BG, rather than making my own concoction. Vanilla ice cream, Dulce de Leche, chocolate dipped, and sea salt. WOWZERS! ZING! Oh man. It was good. First of all, the chocolate dipped cone was hard. Automatic win. It reminded me of the hard shell chocolate I used to eat as a kid. That topping was a special treat. The Dulce de Leche was sweet and the invisible sea salt really made the flavors come all together and pop. I would have never thought of sprinkling salt on ice cream, but like on chocolate- a little bit works wonders. I think the salt really was the key ingredient here. As for the ice cream, it really is nothing special. It’s mediocre Mr. Softee stuff. But with all the toppings and makeover Mr Softee goes from zero to hero here.

SWOON!

My friend, who at first said no to the gayness, gave in and got the Mermaid. Vanilla ice cream, Key Lime curd, graham crackers, and whipped cream. We were immediately hypnotized by Splash and gobbled it up. What’s not to like about tartness and a little whip? The sundae reminded me of Steve’s Key Lime pies in Red Hook. -note to self: must make a trip out to BK soon-

I switched back from stealing spoonfuls of my friend’s sundae to sucking the ice cream out of my leaky cone. It’s okay to eat a little risque at BGICS. They are all fun, games, and innuendo. Hell, some people have said the ice cream is just a tad short of being orgasmic. Um, I wouldn’t go that far…

I want the American Globs next time. I need my pretzels but it will be hard to separate from my Salty Pimp. Letting go ain’t easy.

So who wants to help plan my next escape with me? I see ice cream in your future. Tips welcome.

Categories: Ice Cream and Frozen Yogurts, Desserts